You Can’t Always Get What You Want

8 Apr

 Last September, I scored an amazing job. Like dream job for anyone who is interested in technology or social media. Yes, it was contract. Yes, the contract had an open-ended date. but c’mon, it was for one of the best companies in the world. Then in February (almost 6 months later for those of you counting), I was told that 5 days later my tenure was up. My product was changing cost centers and I was no longer wanted or needed. I spent those 5 days furiously networking, while keeping up with the what remained of the super demanding job that I loved.

Those 5 days were hard, but the past 5 weeks have been a lot harder. I gave up a somewhat successful consulting business to take this opportunity and it was over. I was part of a nerd culture and a team that spoke my language and now there’s just a huge void.  I’m not sure where I’m going now, or even if social and interactive media is even what I’m supposed to be doing. All of this uncertainty has led me down depression lane. The kind where you don’t even want to post on your own social networks for fear of alienating cyber and IRL friends/phriends.

So what do you do when your passion becomes your livelihood and your aren’t feeling so lively anymore?

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Some Notes on NOT following through

7 Aug

No one is perfect. Especially not me, even though I work really hard to try and be ‘perfect’. Except this line of thinking gives you permission to give up on awesome projects after one little eff up. Like this blog for example; I write all over the web for everyone else about pretty much everything imaginable, but I rarely follow through with contributing to this blog, which is purely mine and purely for my entertainment.

Not that I don’t care if you read it, but this is for me and for my friends and for the cool stuff I post about.

Enough with how blogging ‘should’ be done- I’m getting back in this saddle and will continue to write 8 month hiatus and lack of a concise foundation or not! The goal is to post once/day (or catch up on posts after a trip or something, but with at least one post per day) for the next month. And then we’ll see what continues.

FTR, I sort of gave up on designing my own template. Very frustrating, not very creatively rewarding, and definitely cramping my writing style on here.

Of course, if anyone has any advice they want to share (gently please!), I’m all ears/eyes.

Wordless Chorus- Rocky Mountain High

7 Aug

I bought the ticket, I took the ride. Despite being broke and unable to pay my bills as is it, I decided to buy a plane ticket to Colorado last week to go stay with a phriend I had never actually met in person. Risky? Yes. Irresponsible? Probably. Necessary? More than even I knew at the time.

So, one of my dear twitter phish twibe friends offered up a front row ticket to My Morning Jacket at Red Rocks Amphitheatre. This was months ago; I was blown away and felt oh so lucky, but never really thought it would materialize. Well, I started stalking plane tickets over a month ago, but the finances just weren’t lining up for me. But I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Not that I’d have a killer ticket to one of my favorite bands, but the uncomfortableness of it all. But that sick, sweet fun of dangling by a thread and somehow having it all work out. That’s addictive, but the uncertainty and the anxiety that goes along with it might wipe you out entirely. Then of course, there was the venue. The last time I was in Colorado (for String Cheese Incident and a good friend’s birthday in 2010), it was magical and the trip was off to a rough start, but that was the most amazing summer. And I did NOT WANT to leave those mountains.

So I bought a ticket, made some phone calls, and got on a plane. I landed, and Suz came to pick me up. I had no clue what she might look like, or what I might be in for. Sometimes its nice not to have any preconceived notions because you are forced to go in with an open heart. My heart was open as I climbed into her car. I felt fine; I felt okay; I felt safe. This wonderful woman was opening her home, her extra ticket, and herself to me. As bad as the bad days can be. I am eternally lucky for encountering even one being like this. A spiritual mentor that isn’t perfect, but who is amazing and graceful. I can see lots of myself in her.

The first night and day, everything is tentative. Almost like going on a first date or the first few days of living with a roommate in your freshman dormroom. But then you find so much common ground that it seems like you’ve known each other your entire lives. It was nice that she didn’t have any preconceived notions about me either. Because lately I feel like the adjectives I’d be most likely to attach to my own being are not exactly high vibrating. . . in my opinion, I’m not the ‘joy to be around’ I used to be. But I could be wrong. No one said otherwise and I felt so much joy.

Particularly when frontman Yim Yames/Jim James/Killer awesome rockstar took the stage only feet from where we were sitting. I hugged her and she hugged me- someone that shares my excitement:) The entire show, we were both rapt. The wind played into the synchronicity of events, blowing the light rigs around, along with the bands’ hair as well as our own wild woman mops. So Wonderful. Afterwards, in the parking lot, we could only sit in silence- the silence deafening- and collect ourselves. I’ve not felt this alive or ‘okay’ in well over a year.

Rent, bills, depression be damned! This trip was more than worth it. If only for that moment when the wind blew, the guitars vibrated, and everyone led with their heart.

I am eternally grateful to those that open their hearts and homes to others without question. Sometimes I get upset because my heart is too open and gets hurt, but all of the hurt is worth it if only to have reciprocity this one time and to have the hope of another brush with it. You can always buy a new home, but you can’t buy love or blind faith.

Free As a Bird. . .

9 Jul

After 5 years in Corporate America (working for the same company and working my way up the food chain no less), I’ve been let go. I feel strangely calm and relieved. I didn’t really like my jobby job anyway. But I will admit that a wave of panic (How will I pay my rent? What am I going to do with the rest of my life? Does this make me less of a person professionally?) is starting to wash over me. I have some great distractions (hooray for working the DMB Caravan this weekend!) and great friends, so I’m really trying to hold it together and deal with this starting on Monday.

Immediately following my forced exodus, I walked home with two bags of my stuff- in heels. I haven’t walked home from work since the first summer I lived here and forgot my bus pass. 2 miles later, I was home. I didn’t exactly walk my million miles a minute pace either. It was really more of a stroll and I liked it. I called both of my parents (which admittedly, I was dreading) and got surprisingly good feedback. Mom said “Make Lemonade” and then hung up on me. Dad said “Congratulations! Eff that place- now you can actually live your life” and told me that he couldn’t support me financially, but that he was “sure I’d figure it out”. So at first I felt grand. That was a day ago. I think I might still be in shock. I wonder if they were in shock. Guess I’ll never know- let’s face it, I don’t really care.

 

Maybe I’ll post more with stunning regularity. Being without a soul sucking 67 hour+/week albatross can do that for you.

Under Construction (while I break the CSS a few more times)

10 Nov

I’m not awesome at tech, FYI. But I’m trying to teach myself, so that means that this site might look a little bit wrecked for awhile. Thanks for your understanding

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